It makes me feel so warm and squishy inside when I see how the right wing is tackling the big issues of the day. On behalf of all of us. For America. For freedom.
For instance, there was the Underwear Law. Virginia lawmakers in the House of Delegates set out to make sure that any kid vulgar enough to wear pants that hang low enough to reveal his or her underwear would be fined $50. Specifically, the law was aimed at anyone who publicly and intentionally "displays his below-waist undergarments, intended to cover a person's intimate parts, in a lewd or indecent manner." This important, groundbreaking piece of legislation, however, was killed by the Virginia Senate only a few days later. Not just because some ridiculed the legislation, but also because low-riding, underwear-revealing pants may not be in fashion today. How sad that fashion and ridicule intervened to prevent laws crucial to our country, to our future, from ever seeing the light of day. I'm just disgusted.
I've stumbled on other bright ideas circulating around. The World Nut Daily is usually a good place to go to find really intelligent ideas. Like this one: Conquer Mexico by Joseph Farah:
But the Mexican government has never believed in the will of the people or the rule of law.
So, I suggest maybe it's time to conquer Mexico. We're so intent on freeing 26 million Iraqis from a corrupt, barbaric tyranny. What about 100 million Mexicans? Don't they deserve a government of the people, by the people and for the people? How about truly free elections south of the border? Maybe it's time to free Mexico. And worse, Mexico is proving to be a more serious national security threat to the United States than Saddam Hussein's Iraq was.
Gosh, what a smart idea. This is going to set the UN on fire!
And finally, Otto's favorite doctor, Dr. Jack Wheeler, "intelligence expert" -- though he's going by "geopolitical expert" at least for the next few weeks -- has informed the world that Ukraine's Orange Revolution was accomplished, not by the Ukrainian people's yearning for democracy free from corruption and Russian influence, but by ... vodka.
"Eastern Ukraine is heavily ethnic Russian. The main industry is coal. The miners are rough, tough, and hate Yushchenko for wanting to take Ukraine away from Russia and toward the West," writes Wheeler. "It was arranged for more than a thousand of them to be taken from Donetsk, the capital of the coal-mining region, by bus and train to Kiev, where, armed with clubs and blunt tools, they would physically beat up the Orange Revolutionaries. Such mass violence was not only to disperse the demonstrators but serve as an excuse for the government to declare martial law, suspending the Ukrainian Parliament (the Rada) and elections indefinitely."
Now comes the secret weapon: vodka.
"When the miners got on their buses and trains, they found to their joy case after case of vodka – just for them. When they arrived in Kiev, trucks awaited them filled with more cases of vodka – all free provided by 'friends' of the Donetsk coal miners. Completely soused, they never made it to Independence Square. Too hammered blind to cause any violence at all, they had a merry time, passed out and were shipped back to Donetsk."
Writes the intel expert: "Just take a moment and reflect on how stone-cold brilliant this was. The forethought and planning it took, the innovative thinking. Bush doesn't send the Marines – he sends the vodka! – and achieves a democratic revolution. This is the sort of thinking, these are the sorts of tactics, that are going to be applied now for 'ending tyranny in our world.' Military force will be used only as a necessary resort."
Have you ever heard of anything so intelligent in all your life? Think of how many wars we could win, just by getting our enemies good and soused. Think of what we could do in N. Korea, Iran, Syria, just by sending over truckloads of alcohol. Brilliant. And it's so easy, too! I tell you, it takes someone like Dr. Jack Wheeler, "geopolitical expert," and self-proclaimed "Indiana Jones of the Right" to reduce centuries of history, politics, diplomacy and, well, reality down to something as basic as inebriating one's enemy.
I hope when we start with Mexico, there'll still be plenty of tequila to go around. I love a good margarita.