How to wean your kids off Santa Claus

Christmas is just about here, and it's utter madness at the malls. Or, I should say, The Great Mall that serves as the living, breathing center of our suburban utopia. Parking is hell -- who doesn't enjoy a little competitive, ruthless, barely-controlled-anger-laden holiday parking spirit?

I suppose it isn't all bad, though. Barbara and the kids are extremely excited about Santa's arrival on Saturday, and we've got the Christmas lights display on our house to beat all others, complete with a Nativity scene, reindeer, an inflatable Homer Simpson dressed as Santa, and huge, fake presents. I thought we might be going overboard, but Barbara was determined to compete in and win our Homeowners' Association Christmas decorations contest, and it got her mind off the homosexual agenda, so we're back to using soap and smelling clean again.

Anyway, I was interested to find out that Santa used to be one scary customer:

In Finland at least, the unthinkable is true -- the jolly old man has a dark past. The forefather of the portly, bearded man, known in Finland as Joulupukki, was not dressed in red, did not greet children with smiles and he certainly brought no gifts. Instead Joulupukki, literally "yule goat," donned horns and an animal hide and covered his face with soot or a bark mask. He traveled from house to house frightening children with his wild dancing and singing and expected offerings of food and booze. The form this Christmas-time character took varied greatly in different parts of the country. According to some versions of the legend he also brought sticks with which to whip naughty children. Stingy households suffered the goat's insults. No one knows exactly how or when, but as cultural influences from elsewhere spread into Finland, this beast transformed into the smiling Santa Claus that now meets children from around the world at his log cabin in Finland's Arctic Circle.

This Jouloupukki character sure sounds a lot like a bum...or...Barb's brother, Earl.

I thought the kids would get a kick out of this particular Santa story, then I could have Earl show up drunk, dancing, singing with no presents and a few sticks on Christmas Eve. I mean, he's coming over anyway. Wouldn't it be great to tell them their Uncle Earl is really Santa Claus? Think how much money we could save.