That chewy, Smiter-like filling

Bob. Oh dear.

Bob. He's such a tough one for me.

I would like to think all those body bags and water Steve saw in Bob's Hummer are being collected to help the wonderful people who are part of the tsunami relief effort. But, even I have to stamp out that small, flickering flame of hope. Bob wouldn't do something like that. Well, then again, he might, if he were a prisoner/cheerleader at Abu Ghraib. But lucky for him, he's not.

Some people have "goodness genes," I've heard. They shovel your snowy walk so you don't have to, if only because you're on crutches and high on Valium. They don't answer their cell phones right in the middle of a quiet dinner with friends and patiently wait until they can excuse themselves to go to the bathroom. They don't necessarily "ooh" and "aah" at pictures of kittens and puppies, but they do wonder how you're feeling on a sad, gray winter's day, especially after you wondered out loud if killing yourself now might be better than enduring 20 more years of the same, boring job.

But then some people are like Bob -- they're Smiters. Apparently God is going to smite their enemies, or, if there weren't so many darned laws, they could smite the unholy in the service of The Lord at a more satisfying pace. So much smiting, so little time.

You can't take more than a few steps without tripping over a Smiter. The Smiter family can't stop talking about their values, scrutinizes the length of your skirt no matter what year it is, is always being "persecuted" by the liberal left minority for celebrating some extreme interpretation of a religious holiday, and votes for leaders who advocate their fundamentalist religious ideals. (Now that I think about it, you could find a Smiter in Iraq just as easily as you could find one living next door to you. Hmm.)

Anyway, Bob, the Smiter Next Door, is definitely not engaged in some humanitarian relief effort. That would be distinctly un-Smiterlike of him.

I do hope I'm wrong, though. Because...well...since Steve started watching Bob's suspicious activities a few days ago...um...has anyone seen Bob's wife?