What's Bob hiding in the Humvee?

I'm not the kind of guy who, under normal circumstances, spies on his neighbors. I have to admit, though, for the past two days, I've taken to scrutinizing the suspicious activities of my next-door-neighbor -- Bob -- and I expect my surveillance to continue. At least for the near future.

Let me first say that I am in no way retaliating against Bob for reporting me to the Homeowners' Association on numerous occasions. OK, I was angry when I was slapped with a $500 fine because the pale, beige trim of my house did not exactly match the pale, beige trim of Bob's or the other neighbors' houses. And then there was the time we went on a family vacation and asked Bob to look after our lawn -- when we got back, we found out Bob had not only neglected to water our lawn (during August) for two weeks, he had also reported the sorry state of our lawn to the Homeowners' Association to cover up his neglect. That was pretty infuriating. Another $500 fine, $200 of new sod, and hours of backbreaking labor. I drank a lot and blacked out a few times then.

But I'm not a vengeful man. Not at all. I hate Bob and I want him to die. But I wouldn't do anything affirmative to make that happen, no matter how much I want it. I must be strong.

Last week, Bob drove home in a new, yellow Hummer H-1. My wife wants one, too, but I told her no, because I didn't want other people to think that I need to compensate for my rather average-sized, er... special friend ... with a ridiculously large car.

Ahh...Hummers. Popularized by Desert Storm, more popular still now that "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is underway -- a romantic part of America's love affair with the road, grisley traffic accidents and, of course, getting a mere 10 miles to the gallon, Mideast Oil and your friendly neighborhood gas station. A testament to the almost eerie connection between American wars and impractical cars.

But I digress.

The strange thing is that the other night when I got home from work, Bob's garage was open, and I saw him unloading what looked like black body bags and countless jugs of water from the back of the Hummer. That was alarming. What was he doing? When he noticed the headlights from my car, he ran, top speed, to the front of the Hummer, hit the garage door opener and stayed out of sight until the garage door finally closed.

What was he hiding?

I'm keeping my eye on him. Bob's not getting away with anything this time around.